“I think it would be best for everyone if we made a plan for your transition.”

These words from the leader of the multi-site church network of which I was a site pastor signaled a monumental pivot in my life. It was February 2015, one week after our annual pastors’ retreat. The conversation happened at my request, after a sleepless night during the retreat.  

That day he shared in one of the workshops how every organization, including ours, had to decide which aspects of its culture were hard, and which were soft. By this he meant some parts (the “hard” ones) were non-negotiables. These aspects could not change without altering the fundamental identity of the organization. Other aspects (the “soft” ones) were of less importance, and further from the core of the organization. They could adapt and adjust over time. All night I wrestled with questions about which part of our church organization were “hard” and which were “soft”.

Why couldn’t I sleep, and why did I feel it was important to meet privately with my lead pastor the next week? Because for a couple years I found myself increasingly at odds with some of the statements in the church’s ten point doctrinal statement. And inside me, I felt a growing divide between what I considered to be the best answers to those questions and what I felt free to say publicly. I had a growing sense of unease about the irreconcilable goals of feeding the members of my church what they rightfully expected to receive, and my need to pursue and teach theological ideas that I found more life-giving. I realized I was at a fulcrum, a point of change, in my life. The balance was shifting.

In the coming entries in this series, I am going to share what led to this pivot in my life, as well as the ways my spiritual life has progressed over the following years. My hope in doing so is to provide hope and encouragement to any who may find themselves confused, perplexed, or frustrated by the beliefs and practices of the evangelical wing of the Protestant church in America. I plan to point to those authors, pastors, and podcasters who have been my companions on my journey, with the hope of illuminating a path for others who find themselves teetering on the edge of abandoning either their Christian faith or involvement in their church.

I want to repeat, I’m aware some who read about this journey will find it outside their comfort zone. Some may feel a need to argue or express concern for me on a personal level, or perhaps feel a need to prove I am wrong about the ideas I will share . I can only say, here at the beginning of this project, that my love for Jesus, my love and acceptance of others, and my own inner peace and contentment have never been more real than they are now. This is my story. If I can help someone move forward on the spiritual journey they find themselves on, I will consider that a privilege.