It was early 2015 and there I was at the momentous Pastors’ Retreat already mentioned at the beginning of this story.  Our lead pastor had shared the talk about organizations needing to determine which aspects of their identity were hard (non-negotiable) and which were soft (flexible in changing times). 

By this point I knew that there were definitely two of the ten points on the doctrinal statement of my church that I no longer believed. I could not sign off on the points about the Bible and about Hell. And I was pretty sure I knew what that meant for my future as a pastor there. That’s why I couldn’t sleep that night. I realized that the journey I had always been on since I was a teenager was leading me to a big moment of decision.

I felt like I had 3 options. One was to keep covering up what I really believed and keep silent so that the church people would not be forced to deal with the issues that I had been wrestling with for years. The second option was to stay in place as the pastor and begin challenging my congregation to think differently about the Bible, somehow trying to straddle the two worlds until the church was ready to move in the same direction as me. The third option was to resign before the differences in my beliefs became a distraction to the mission of the church and caused difficulty between me and the people there.

When I discussed this issue with my lead pastor several days later, it was clear what the best option would be, for the church and for me. It was time to create a plan for me to turn the leadership of that church over to someone else. I never felt judged by him, or like he “forced my hand”. The meeting was my idea, and I knew pretty well which direction it would go. He was a humble man of grace and that is how I will always remember him.

Leaving that meeting I felt a mixture of emotions. I felt relief because I knew a time was coming that I could leave the internal struggles over my faith behind. I felt sadness, knowing this change would create separation between me and many good friends at the church, and knowing they would be sad too. I felt fear, because my entire adult career had been dedicated to pastoral ministry and I was not sure how I would support my family. I felt shame, because I knew people would be disappointed that I was leaving the church. The need to please everyone around me is a strong part of my personality. But I also felt excitement, because I knew there was something good ahead of me even if I could not see it.

Over the next few weeks the church leadership team and I developed an exit plan for me that allowed me to stay for three more months, and then receive a salary for three months through the summer, helping me figure out my next step.  It was a very generous gift that took a lot of the pressure off my financial concerns for our family of four. 

During those final three months at the church I gave partially true answers to people when they asked why I was leaving. The giving at the church had gone down the previous two years in a row, and the income I was receiving from the meager offerings was no longer sufficient for our family’s needs. To make ends meet I had started working 10-15 hours a week as a substitute school bus driver, as well as offering guitar lessons and refereeing soccer games. My schedule was always chaotic and I was working more and more hours and spreading my energy across too many activities. So I told people I needed to find full-time work that could support our family. That was true, but of course it was not the deepest truth about why I was stepping down from my position.

The big question at that point was whether I could find another church to pastor where my views on the Bible would be welcome. Looming behind that question was this one: “If I couldn’t find such a church, what would I do next?”

Coming Soon: Part 11 - Freeing God from my box (discovering Pete Enns)