Letting go of my divine expectations
When I heard the news, something crashed inside me, like a plate I’d been trying to keep spinning that finally hit the floor. Another commonly held idea about God unceremoniously shattered, and I would have to find my way forward into a more beautiful story.
John, Vanessa, and baby Hudson Ellis in 2015.
As reported by NBC news on April 14, 2015, here is what happened:
A young couple crushed to death with their infant son by falling debris on a Washington highway have been identified as youth pastors who’d recently celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary.
Josh and Vanessa Ellis, both in their mid-20s, died instantly when a massive concrete slab fell from an overpass onto the pickup truck they were driving in Bonney Lake, a suburb southeast of Tacoma. Their 8-month-old son, Hudson, who was sitting in a back seat, also died.
Their identities were confirmed by EastPointe Foursquare Church, where the Ellises served as youth pastors. “We are stunned! Shocked! Wounded, broken and dismayed,” Pastor James Ludlow wrote on Facebook, along with pictures of the family of three. “But we know one thing for sure...they are in glory in the loving arms of our King Jesus!”
So many people believe God watches over his children and protects them. Especially his children who dedicate themselves to teaching adolescents about Jesus. Especially nice friendly people with an infant son. But in the blink of any eye these three beautiful people were instantly killed in a freak accident.
“Two seconds would have made the difference. Maybe one second faster or slower on that journey, and the Ellis’ car would not have been directly under the overpass when the concrete segment fell. ”
I was about 6 weeks away from the end of my pastoral career when I heard this tragic news story. This one hit me a little closer to home than stories of war atrocities in other countries and in different generations. I know so many horrible stories, but when I heard this one it was like a gut punch. With convincing finality, I concluded that although God may be loving and kind, God was either not powerful enough to save this family, or God chose not to perform a simple act to save them.
All God needed to do was keep the car from starting.
Or make one of the family members have a bloody nose that delayed their departure.
Or have one of them spill coffee on themselves so that they pulled over to clean it up.
Two seconds would have made the difference. Maybe one second faster or slower on that journey, and the Ellis’ car would not have been directly under the overpass when the concrete segment fell.
But God didn’t do it.
It’s such a sad story, but such an important story. Because it illustrates so plainly that whoever God is, and however God does intervene in the lives of people, God does not make a habit of saving people from the tragedies that abound on planet earth.
I remember a friend of mine who survived a terrible car accident. According to the doctors who performed over a dozen critical surgeries to put him back together, he should not have lived. And he should not have been able to walk. And he should not have been able to talk. And he definitely should not have been able to play his saxophone with so much soul. But he survived.
“Praise God!” some would say. But wait there’s more to the story. His girlfriend was in the car too. And she died instantly.
Years after the accident, after he had learned how to talk, and walk, and yes even play his saxophone again, this friend would sit across from me in my favorite coffee shop and he would ask me over and over again a single question. “Why did God take her, and leave me here?” My friend, understandably, suffered from survivor guilt. With an altered brain that didn’t function as it once did, he struggled mightily to keep believing in a God who would do something that seemed so cruel. Why indeed?
There are all sorts of very spiritual sounding answers to a question like that. As a pastor I could have resorted to any one of them. But the only answer that made any sense to me was, “God didn’t take her and allow you to live. It just happened.”
When he expressed his difficulty believing in God after this terrible accident, I told him, “I don’t believe in a God like that either. In fact, don’t believe that God exists. The God that I believe in is a God who does not normally step into the natural order of things on planet earth. The God I believe in gives free will to all, and because of this amazing gift, tragedies happen every day.”
This probably sounds like a huge downer, but stick with me. It may surprise you to hear I have found life and freedom since I gave up on the idea that God should be expected to intervene and keep tragedies from happening. Now, I don’t feel compelled to defend God when tragedies strike and people shake their fists and say, “Where was God?!” If the phone rings someday and I hear tragic news about a family member or even my beloved Ann, I don’t have to worry about my faith falling apart. Because my faith is not built upon trusting God to protect me and my loved ones from bad things happening. I know that experiencing tragedy simply means I’m part of the human race. There is no immunity or special protection God offers to those who try to live rightly.
What I’m learning more and more is this: the power of God is right here with me. It is the energy that keeps my molecules together. It is the force that holds the universe together. Nothing would exist without the power of God. My life is a gift. For as long as the forces of nature and the complexities of human free will allow it to last, my life is precious. And no matter what tragedy befalls me, or my loved ones, or even a random youth pastor and his family in Bonney Lake, WA, I can take one more breath because the God of the universe has been so good and kind as to allow me to experience life.
This loss of expectation of God rescuing me has also had another effect on my everyday life. I see every day as precious. I look across the living room at my wife reading a book and I’m struck with the beauty of our lives, right here right now. I ride my bike in the forest and I realize how amazingly lucky I am to have legs that work, and to be able to smell the pine needles and see the sun rays filtering through the trees that surround me. I see my work as a gift, for I get to interact with other creations of God and learn from them and serve them and encourage them and maybe even laugh with them. The realization that God will not protect me and my loved ones from calamity makes each day that much sweeter and gives me so many more reasons to offer prayers of gratefulness for the beauty of life.
So here I am celebrating new life springing up from the death of old ideas that didn’t stand up to the test of reality. And that, my friends, is a more beautiful story.