The beautiful art of asking questions

Note: coinciding with the release of “7 Steps Toward a More Beautiful Story of Faith”, this is the fourth of seven posts expanding on those steps. Subscribe and receive this free resource.

Step 4: Stop trying to change people’s thinking about religious matters. Start asking them questions and listening to them.

What is your reaction when you are at home and you have an unexpected knock on your front door? I know what mine is. There is a quick impulse to just hunker down as if I’m not home. Maybe they will go away. 

A couple decades ago when I was a young pastor, Ann and I were visited by a couple of Mormon missionaries at our door. I decided to engage them in conversation, but didn’t hide the fact that I was a pastor in a local church. We ended up conversing for a while, and then had a couple follow up meetings in our living room, where I did my best to show them how Mormonism was wrong, and in turn they tried to show me why it was right.

Can you guess how many conversions were recorded by either side? Yep. Zero.

I think it must be very difficult going door to door as an evangelist, and I can’t think of many things that make me more uncomfortable just thinking about doing. Why? Because we form our religious convictions slowly, over time, based on the experiences we have with people along the way. Children often follow the spiritual direction their parents lay down for them, not because they have researched all the spiritual options, but because that is the one they see, experience, and are taught to follow. 

Often as young adults these same children abandon the spiritual practices they were led into because of hypocrisy, or an “over-promised-under-delivered” relationship with Jesus that let them down, or from downright wrongdoing at the hands of their parents or religious leaders. 

I’ve found that when I discover a co-worker, friend, neighbor or family member is not actively following Jesus, trying to convince them they ought to change their ways is usually an impossible task. No amount of Bible verses or logical arguments will break through the hurt that caused their break with God, Jesus, and the church. But what I can do is ask them questions.

“What sort of religious background did you grow up in?”
“Why did you stop practicing?”

Or, if they are going to a different type of church than mine, I can ask questions like,

“What do you love about the church or group you’re involved with?”
“Why did you choose that church or group?”

Or, for all people,

“What really helps you feel more peaceful, or joyful, or loving toward others when life gets rough?”

I’ll never forget the day we had a few friends over for a summer barbeque and I asked a friend during the dinner, “What sort of religious background do you have?” 

She responded rather quickly and abruptly. “Zero. When we saw how religious people treated my gay brother, that was the last place any of us wanted to go.”

OK, it was a little awkward for a couple minutes, but we recovered and I expressed to her how I couldn’t even imagine what that must have been like for her and especially her brother.

Since then I’ve grown closer to this friend and we’ve had several other followup conversations on the topic. And guess what? I’ve learned some important spiritual lessons from her even though she wouldn’t step foot in a church or call herself a Jesus-follower. I’m a richer person because of it. My friendship with her is part of the more beautiful story of faith God has me walking in now.

If it’s true that Jesus really wanted us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves, it seems obvious that we have to start with getting to know those neighbors (co-workers, in-laws, professionals we work with, and actual neighbors). Asking people questions, not because you’re trying to bait them into a conversation where you can convert them, but simply because you’re interested in what you can learn from them about love and pain and heartache and joy will free up all sorts of beautiful things in your heart, your spiritual life, and in your relationships. At least I know it has in mine.

Step 1 - Lean into your doubts

Step 2 - Evaluate the fruit of your spiritual practices

Step 3 - Sing less worship songs. Serve more people in need.